Several weeks ago, my friend on Discord sent me a link to a song. This friend sends me YouTube music links a lot. I don’t remember why but at first I didn’t click on the link. It wasn’t until they sent another version of the same song later that I paid attention to the song’s title. The song was an English cover of a song that was titled “Hated by Life Itself.”

“The title is oddly depressing,” I thought to myself. I went back to the first link and clicked on it. I was not prepared for the emotional barrage that comes next.

The first link linked to a Japanese VTuber singing the same song in Japanese. As the song started playing, I was immediately drawn to the artistic style of the music video and the piano. The style of the video was simple, yet emotionally powerful with its use of typography next to the VTuber persona. The melody from the piano had a sad yet energetic tone from the arrangement.

The singing began.

“Don’t say you want to die.” “Live on without giving up!” …How foolish it is to say songs with lyrics like that are correct.

In truth, I couldn’t care a bit if I died, but I’d be pretty sad if the people around me did, I suppose it’s some kind of ego, that goes: “Because I just wouldn’t like it.”

Within seconds, the lyrics hit me hard. As someone who has had suicidal thoughts countless times, the 4th line resonated with me in ways that words cannot describe. When someone is passively suicidal, they really couldn’t care less if they got into an unfortunate accident - but when they see someone else struggling the same way, they’d try their hardest to pull that other person out of it and tell them to live on. I’ve seen too many people in just the past few years that struggle with mental health issues, and many of them strongly wished that they could off themselves at anytime in their lives. Whenever I see anyone who struggles like that, I try my best to pull them out of it despite the fact that I’m also suicidal.

“I couldn’t care a bit if I died, but I’d be pretty sad if the people around me did.”

Yeah, I think that sums it up.

Not caring if strangers live or not, and hating someone else just seems like some kind of fashion now, but “Live peacefully” nevertheless? What a wonderful thing that would be indeed…

On the other side of the screen, someone dies, lamenting that someone else sings, influenced by that, a young boy ran off carrying a knife.

We are hated by life itself. Pushing values and ego, as always, so very simply we broadcast songs about wanting to kill somebody else over radio waves. We are hated by life itself. We who thoughtlessly say we want to die, and look at life carelessly, are hated by it.

I’ve got no money, and so throughout the day again, I sing a songs of praise to indolence. Still without grasping the meaning of life, I come to an epiphany that it’s pointless and take a breath. Are these wounds are OK to be expressed with words like “I’m lonely?” Carrying nothing but such obstinacy, today again I sleep alone on my bed.

This “We are hated by life itself” line was repeated after and after in the song. The more I see it, the more I think back to my past, my traumas, my experience > with others. Negative thoughts began to build up as this line was repeated.

Still without grasping the meaning of life, I come to an epiphany that it’s pointless and take a breath. Are these wounds are OK to be expressed with words like “I’m lonely?” Carrying nothing but such obstinacy, today again I sleep alone on my bed.

Over the years, I’ve contemplated what I’m doing with my life a lot. I’m socially awkward, have terrible social anxiety, and just so much more that makes me hate myself. I often went to bed alone thinking, “wouldn’t it be nice if I had someone next to me? Some warmth? I don’t know. Just, someone.” Once again, these lyrics hit me hard like a brick.

We who were but youths at some point start to change into young adults. Growing old, one day we rot away like fallen leaves, with not a soul in the world knowing of our existence… Obtaining an immortal body, and living our whole existence without dying… … I’m just daydreaming about these kinds of science fiction situation.

I couldn’t care a bit if I die, but I’m wanted alive by the people around me, living on carrying such contradictions… I think I’ll get yelled at.

“Things that are “correct” should stay “correct”.” “If you don’t want to die, then live.” If we’re going to end up sad and if that’s fine, then you gotta laugh alone forever.

“I couldn’t care a bit if I die, but I’m wanted alive by the people around me.” This is something I tell myself to keep me going, but it’s… tough. “If you don’t want to die, then live.” I don’t want to die, but at the same time, I don’t want to live either. This is what struggling with mental health is like. We’re constantly in a state of paradoxical loop.

We are hated by life itself. Without even grasping the meaning of joy, we just hate the hand life had dealt us and merely curse our pasts. We are hated by life itself. We who simply like the idea of the word “goodbye” a little too much, without no knowledge of a true farewell, are hated by life itself.

It’s easy for us to think about the idea of saying “farewell” to our friends and family, but… it’s never that easy. The consequences of suiciding are always going to lead to even more sadness, yet, what is there to do?

Happiness, farewells, love, and friendship; they’re all goods that can be bought for money… within jokes made by comical dreams. I might just die tomorrow you know, everything might just end up being for naught.

“I might just die tomorrow you know.” This terrifying line is something I or my close friend could say to anyone. The idea of ending their lives.

Mornings and nights, spring and autumn, unchanging, someone dies somewhere. I don’t need dreams or even a tomorrow, If you’ll have lived on then that’s all I need. Yeah… That’s actually what I want to sing about.

I couldn’t care less what happens to me, but please live.” this kind of thought went on in my head when I was taking care of my ex, who has severe depression and multiple other mental health related issues. They’re always like, “please take care of yourself,” but what about you? It’s once again a paradoxical loop with no good solution.

Hated by life itself. In the end, we’ll die anyway. You will, I will, one day all of us will rot away like fallen leaves. But regardless, we live on frantically— Shouldering our lives, frantically, we live— Killing, struggling, laughing, shouldering it all, living, living, living, living, JUST LIVE.

The last part hit me the most, especially with Saki’s singing. At first, I thought this song was simply about the struggles of mental health issues, but then the last line, “living, living, living, living, JUST LIVE.” made me realize that this song was about telling someone to hang in there, and that no matter what kind of situation you find yourself in, LIVE.

I listened to this song on repeat for an hour or so, laying in my bed, crying. In retrospect, I don’t know what I was crying for. Was it because of the lyrics? Was that I don’t know if I can hang on to my live? Was it because this person who was singing was telling me and others to live on? I don’t know. I looked more into the song, and turns out this was yet another song with Miku in it. It’s always Miku to turn my life around, isn’t it?

I’m glad to have discovered Saki’s (芦澤サキ) cover. Her voice was, in my opinion, perfect for a song like this. I was immediately drawn to her persona style too. It… made me wish I had a VTube persona as well. Perhaps a little something to fill my gender dysphoria hole. Be someone who I want to be for once. I’m jealous of many girls like her. I want to write music. I want to be able to write or sing songs like this. I want to be a girl. I want to be like her. I want to… be not me. Thoughts like this make me wish I could start my life over, or ending my current life early - but she wouldn’t want that, would she? Anyone who has sung the song wouldn’t want that, would they? No, I’ll just… hang in there, even though we are hated by life itself.

I know this post is a bit ranty and too much of a rambling. I wanted to write about this ever since I listened to the song, but I don’t know how I’d ever get my feelings about this song expressed. Here are some other versions of the song that I really liked:

The idea of 31 people in the room with you, telling you to live… It’s powerful stuff.

I can never finish listening to Kaf’s cover without breaking down in some way. Her voice genuinely sounds like she’s crying and telling the person listening to this not to die. I won’t.

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